Sh*t various people say. This is a hilarious thing.
I just came across this one, made by Creative Time in NYC. It’s quite good, definitely LOL’d. But I feel that it’s lacking a couple of art-world zingers, which I have insight into because I’m an art world outsider / insider, not an insider / outside. Did you catch the nuance there?
If I had some fancy camera equipment, thick glasses, bangs, and a thin, bearded friend I would probably add a few lines to the script and call it “Scenes from the Art World” Here we go:
Art Professor #1: Tell me about your process.
Artist: Well, I begin by gessoing the canvas, and then I do a foundation sketch.
Art Professor #1: NO! Tell us about YOUR process!
Artist: Um, oh. Okay, I guess in essence it’s about identity. My work explores the allure of the “other”. Essentially, This work is a palimpsest. What i’m trying to isolate is the synecdoche of SELF.
Art Professor #2: Good, good. Very thought provoking. But we still need to see more of YOU in this piece. Are you familiar with the Malaysian performance piece at the last Whitney Triennial?
Art Professor #1: Yes, I agree with everything he just said. We need MORE. I’d take a page from Terence Koh’s book. He removes all traces of SELF from the composition, so all we really see is him. I think you should really rethink your thesis here.
Artist: *fills out job application to Starbucks*
FIN
Art aficionado #1: Did you hear that Bushwick is the new Chelsea?
LES (aka Lower East Side, Manhattan) Gallerist: No, No. The LES is the new Chelsea. Bushwick is the new Williamsburg, and Williamsburg is the New Portland, OR.
FIN
Gallery patron: This piece would look really good in my living room. My drapes are that same color!
Gallerist: Oh, we typically frown upon basing art acquisitions on what color the piece is.
Gallery patron: Um, okay, I still want to buy it.
Gallerist: Great! We don’t offer discounts to first time clients. Where shall I have it shipped? Can you email me your FedEx account number?
FIN
Art aficionado #1: I scored VIP passed to Basel. I can’t wait to break out my summer greys.
Art aficionado #2: Right?? I bought a new pair of vintage, non-prescription glasses with wood frames, just for the Gagosian tent. It’s going to be very Ahn Duong meets Woody Allen.
FIN
High school student: Hello, I’m here on a class project. Can you tell me about this painting?
Gallerist: Sure! That’s an amazing piece. It would make a perfect addition to any art collection. That artist did his MFA at Yale, but never actually graduated from high school. His work is SO Juxtapoz.
High School Student: Okay, um, what’s Juxtapoz?
Gallerist: What? Oh, you’re not familiar? Okay, so do you have a place picked out for the piece? I could maybe talk to the artist about giving a discount, although he probably won’t do it considering he’s not making work anymore in favor of going back to school to become an astronomer.
High School Student: Can you just sign this so I can go?
Gallerist: Sure! Will you write down your email address so I can send you some images of the piece? You can take some time to think about it. Also, we do offer payment plans!
FIN